Here is how you greet unsuspecting tourists in the big apple.[Doobybrain]
Think your have the worst job. Well after you hear this guys plight you will stop complaining.
One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. The man sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.
Meanwhile, all the other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. As soon as he pulled onto the street, the officer stopped him, read him his rights and administered the breathalyzer test to determine his blood-alcohol content.
The results showed a reading of 0.0.
The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, “Tonight I’m the designated decoy.”
Dear Tech Support ,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and I noticed a distinct slowdown in the overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0 .
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as
Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NEWS 5.0, MONEY 3.0 and CRICKET 4.1 .
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2. 6 simply crashes the system.
Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed,
A Desperate Woman
DEAR DESPERATE Madam,
First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.
Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.
If that application works as designed, Husband1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Silence 2.5 , Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1 .
Please note that Beer 6. 1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)
In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0 .
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.
You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.
We recommend: Cooking 3.0 and Hot Looks 7.7.
Good Luck Madam!
Tech Support
An elderly lady goes into the doctor and tells him - “Doctor, I don’t know what the problem is, but I’ve been farting all the time. It’s not really a problem socially because they don’t make any noise and don’t smell. I just can’t stop farting all the time. In fact, since I’ve been standing here I must have farted at least 20 times.”
“No kidding…” says the doctor with a bit of an upturned nose. The doc says “I’ve got just the stuff.” and gives her some pills. “Here take these for 10 days, then return for a followup appointment.”
So she takes the pills and returns 10 later as instructed. Infuriated, she confronted the doctor. “What kind of medicine is this? I’m still farting just as much! They still don’t make any noise, but now they stink terribly!”
The doctor nodded, “Great, now that we’ve your sinuses cleared up, we’ll work on your hearing next!”
Source
Three blonde women were stranded on an island. While trying to dig their way out, one of them came across a buried lamp. Suddenly a genie appears and offers to grant each one of them one wish, in return for saving him.
The first blonde woman asks to be intelligent. Instantly, she is turned into brown haired woman and she swims off the island.
The second blonde woman asks to be even more intelligent than the previous one. She is instantly turned into a black haired woman. She then builds a boat and sails off the island.
The third blonde asks to become even more intelligent than the previous two. The genie turns her into a man, and he walks across the bridge.
This guy is stranded on a deserted island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, Its not a ship.
The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, Its not a boat.
The speck gets even closer and he thinks, Its not a raft.
Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and says, How long has it been since you’ve had a cigarette?
Ten years! he says. She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, Man, oh man! Is that good!
Then she asked, How long has it been since you have had a drink of whiskey? He replies, Ten years! She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him. He takes a long swig and says, Wow, that is fantastic!
Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, And how long has it been since you have had some REAL fun?
And the man replies, My God! Don’t tell me that you’ve got golf clubs in there!
John really wanted to buy a motorcycle. He had been searching nearly every day, with no luck (he’s quite picky). One day he comes across a mint looking Harley with a ‘For Sale’ sign on it. The bike seems even better than a new one even though it’s 10 years old, really shiny and in absolute mint condition.
He immediately buys it, on the spot, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years. “Well, it’s quite simple, really,” says the seller, “whenever the bike is outside and it’s going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain.” And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.
That night, his girlfriend, Sandy, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they ride the bike over there. But, just before they enter the house, Sandy stops him and says, “I have to tell you something about my family before we go in… When we eat dinner, we don’t talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.” “No problem,” he says. And in they go.
John is shocked at the sight. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.
“Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have not been to confession for six months. On top of that, I’ve been with a loose woman.”
The priest sighs. “Is that you, little Tommy O’Shaughnessy?”
“Yes, Father, ’tis I.”
“And who might be the woman you were with?”
“I shan’t be tellin’ you, Father. It would ruin her reputation.”
“Well, Tommy, I’m bound to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O’Malley?”
“I cannot say.”
“Was it Patricia Fitzgerald?”
“I’ll never tell.”
“Was it Lisa O’Shanter?”
“I’m sorry, but I’ll not name her.”
“Was it Cathy O’Dell?”
“My lips are sealed.”
“Was it Fiona Mallory, then?”
“Please, Father, I cannot tell you.”
The priest sighs in frustration. “You’re a steadfast lad, Tommy O’ Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you’ve sinned, and you must atone. Be off with you now.”
Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers, “What’d you get?”
“Five more good leads!”
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